Timing, Forgiveness and Fears

           I love when you have just one of those days of reflection. Looking at life and the things we each have gone through. I remember hearing when I was little the adults saying if I could go back and change anything in my life I wouldn't change a thing. I used to think wow they are crazy I could think of 10 things I would change at least.
           Now looking back and thinking is there anything I would change? No. Yeah there has been bad things that have happened, I have made bad decisions, I didn't use my brain at times. If I hadn't of struggled through all of that I would not be who I am and where I am today.A good friend told me this...

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven".... "11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time..." (Old Testament, Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3) check out the whole chapter v1-11 is powerful ♥ Everything, All negative & all positive, that happens in our lives He has a timing & purpose..with love

          I would not be living where I do, the people in my life probably would have ever met, and I would not have had the chance to learn the things I have been able to from them. I am so grateful for where I am at in my life even though it is not how I planned my life going. I am glad that I learn something new about those around me and myself every day.
   
         Today after spending the day reflecting I was able to meet with a friend who has been through similar situations in life. We talked about how because of those we have met we look back and would not change the other struggles. However we also discussed how hard forgiveness is. When we talk about forgiveness we were specifically talking about forgiving ourselves for putting us in the situations. I look at it and wonder... what was I thinking? Why did I throw out all that I believed in and stood for? Why did I stay even though I can't even remember a time when I was happy and not feeling controlled? Then I realize that I cannot change the decisions that I made before. All that I can do now is remember how I will never lose myself again. I know who I am, and I know who I want to be.
        Because of what I have been through I can now see things that I do to protect myself. I do not like getting too serious and close with people. I can to an extent and then I get cautious and nervous. I do not like commitments anymore. Occasionally I think yeah I would love that I do not mind committing to that and then often I start getting anxious about it and question my decisions. This goes from small things like deciding what to do during the day to relationships. I do not even like making plans too far out anymore. I do not give solid answers to many questions. This I find is my way of protecting myself from my fears and trying not to get hurt. I also act as though things do not bother me because then it shows that I actually care and caring makes me vulnerable and being vulnerable scares me. 
      However knowing this helps me because I can try to overcome these fears and work through them. I try every day to make sure that I do not let my fears control me that I instead let my faith in his timing help me to dare to try to push through my weaknesses.

"Believe in yourself. Believe in your capacity to do great and good and worthwhile things. Believe in the nature within you, the divine nature." Gordon B. Hinckley

Hopefully this semi makes sense as often my thoughts run faster than my fingers can type.